im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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