my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
