well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
