Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
