This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
