I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
