I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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