May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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