my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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