I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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