I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
