this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
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Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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