His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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