Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
