More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
