I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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