and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
