Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
