Umm I'm too high to move.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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