Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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