Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
