he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
