Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
