did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
