after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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