That reminds me...we need to get swords
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
