sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
