His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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