my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
