Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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