wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
