Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.