last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar