everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
