I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
