I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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