And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
