It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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