woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is classic penis vs brain.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
