Do vagina's smell?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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