May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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