I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
