Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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