They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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