hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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