She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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