I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
