she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
