oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
