There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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