I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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