Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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