Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
