11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
