Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
