Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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