just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
