two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
